If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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