im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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