I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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