i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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