we have officially lost it.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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