My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
