I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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