Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
