$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
