You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
