you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
All I want is dick and wine.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
