That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
