Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
