ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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