I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
