Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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