Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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