well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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