we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
