My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
