Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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