She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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