Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
and you fell through a lawn chair
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
