just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
