so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
