woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
