There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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