This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
