Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
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