Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
