I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
