Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
