Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
