My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i believe in u and ur pee
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
