It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
