I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
