you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
