i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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