I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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