If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
