This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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