i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
