i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
