Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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