Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
