Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
