Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
