If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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