I must be too annoying 4 u.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
