I think scott just propositioned me for sex
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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